OPINION
There I Was...#37
Published on December 4, 2007 By Big Fat Daddy In Misc
A small word of warning. I don't do blue...but this one may not be for everyone...contains scatological humor.

In order to ramp up for any major exercise, little three day exercises are planned to fine tune some aspects of field operations. I have been against three day field stints for a long time. The problem is that a GI can endure anything (almost) for three days. They can avoid hygiene, live in the same clothes, and hold their potty needs. In order to learn to live in the field, you have to live in the field. A young troop who was never much for outdoors and avoids a sit-down potty transaction anywhere but home will hang on to it for three days but will realize that even the strongest can't last for seven. Pwoody, the master of all squad leaders used to tell his troops that , "You gotta make a turd every day". Words to live by. I learned this for myself at age 17 in the woods outside of Wildflicken, Germany.

I was one who was very territorial about what my New Yorker buddy, Alphabet, called 'MAKING". Three day alerts and exercises were rough but when faced with the prospect of a field latrine...or worse...a slit trench, I chose to hold it. The first sit down after a short exercise was pretty rough. The way German toilets were designed, you had to "make" on a shelf-like arrangement inside the toilet bowl. When you flushed, a powerful rush of water sluiced from the back of the bowl, across the shelf and into the drain at the front of the bowl. It was a very efficient (duh..it was German !) appliance except that if you were "making" three days worth, you sometimes had to literally stand half way up to let things drop and if you tried a courtesy flush, sometimes the weight of your leavings (a by product of C-rations) would re-direct the water straight up...just use your imagination.

We had been on a few three day outings and were ready for the big winter "Field Problem". They would later be called "FTX", Field Training Exercise...but as a rookie we never called them anything but "Field Problems". It was to be a 3 WEEK exercise and we would be in motion most of the time. On the fifth or sixth day I was miserable. There was no way I was going to make it another two weeks. I was not about to straddle a slit trench, either. Late on a very dark, snowy afternoon while we were waiting to move out behind our advancing tanks, I was at the point where I could no longer defy MamaNature. I was parked on a forest road, ice covered dirt. The trees on the right side of the road were smallish and very close together...prickly piny trees, too. I decided to find a way to relieve the pressure in the woods. I walked a few yards into the trees and since I couldn't see the trucks, I figured I was invisible to them. I found a place to drop my pants; Outer shell field pants, wool OG pants, long johns and skivies. It was cold. I squatted awkwardly, concerned about target area, not wanting to go to all this trouble and wind up crapping in my pants, anyway. But once I assumed the position, all reason left. I was gripped in the throes of unbelievable agony. My belly cramped, my back spasmed, and it felt like I was being split in half. I changed my mind...I didn't want to do this anymore. NO WAY. Nature had taken over and this episode was going on to its conclusion with or without me. And finally, suddenly, it was over. I was aching, and throbbing and panting like a greyhound...but it had past. As the cold began to settle in, I roused myself to stand and put myself together. I was horrified. Sometime in the midst of my agony, I apparently straightened my legs out enough to change the trajectory of my projectile...it had landed squarely in my underpants. It was dark and steaming and the approximate size and shape of a slow-pitch softball. And about the same consistency, too. I rolled it out and it left without leaving a...scar?...and I got back to my truck before the convoy left. It was a life changing experience. I knew without any sergeant telling me, that from now on I would have to find a place to "make" everyday. I never wanted to go through that again.

Flashing forward, it seems funny to me, now. After 26 years of running around in the woods, the desert, the mountains, the jungles or whatnot...you kind of loose that territoriality. You'll crap anywhere.. During Desert Storm there wasn't a tree within 400 miles. Once the war started its manuever phase and there weren't any latrines, you would see soldiers improvising all manner of facilities. Leaning up against the back bumper of our Blazer...sitting on the front bumper of a 5ton equipped with a winch...hunched between the tandem axles of a truck...sitting on an upended ammo box...and my favorite...a cav soldier sitting in a plastic mess hall chair with the center of the seat cut out, pants around his ankles, next to the Main Supply Route, reading a hometown newspaper and waving to the passing convoys. It may be a little crude for some of you, but the wisdom of Pwoody stands ...I still try to live by it, today...you gotta make a turd every day."

Comments (Page 1)
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on Dec 04, 2007
I honestly don't know what to say to this.....thanks for sharing?
on Dec 05, 2007
Absolutely wonderful story, loved it! I'm sure I haven't spent even a fraction of the time you ever did in uniform, but I do remember my first 'time'. We were on a two week LET (land environment training) and our warrant officer was pissed off at us so decided we would be spending the whole day practicing section attacks in full NBC gear. Our platoon and one other were assaulting a trench line and it had been four days since I had taken a dump. So anyways, as we were in the middle of the assault, I felt a massive upheaval in my bowels. The nature thing you were talking about- it was time to go, no choice! I wasn't going to shit myself in my gear in the middle of a hot summer day and thankfully I was on the edge of my section, close to a nice big copse of trees- so in the commotion I darted into the trees, did my business. Those few seconds were the most heavenly I think I experienced all course! I felt bad about leaving the section but not so bad that I was gonna shit myself when we had been doing these attacks all day long, over and over. Everyone was tired and the only one who noticed I was gone was my fireteam buddy (or whatever the term is, can't remember) and I even rejoined the fun with time to spare. All in all, it was a good day.
on Dec 05, 2007
Fortunately, I did go camping when I was a kid, so I learned how to find a fallen tree or large branch.  However, as you point out in the last part, there are not many trees in the Arabian peninsula!
on Dec 05, 2007
All in all, it was a good day.


Yep. Ya make one and the rest of the day is better.

there are not many trees in the Arabian peninsula!

As my Sergeant Major was fond of telling us...there's a purty gurl behind every tree.
on Dec 05, 2007
I honestly don't know what to say to this.....thanks for sharing?


It's a guy thing...girls don't get it !
on Dec 05, 2007
all the things you taught me growing up, i don't remember you ever telling me to make a turd everyday. i guess its one of those things where you just led by example.
on Dec 05, 2007
duuuuuuude (she says slowly shaking her head and closing her eyes) TMI
on Dec 05, 2007

OMG.  I about peed my pants laughing at this.  I read it to my husband (he refuses to read some JU articles, but I'm trying to change his mind and entice him with your blog) and he said "I don't find what he said all that odd, actually"....which just made me laugh even harder and now my belly hurts and I have tears in my eyes.

Thank you.  You made a slightly shitty day (hahahahahah!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!) much, much better.

on Dec 05, 2007
It's a guy thing...girls don't get it !

Oh, I get it....I just don't get why you need to share. Why is it that guys always have to brag about how big their stuff is?

But I did laugh and in the spirit of sharing, here's one for you....at NTC we had a guy carried in. He was doubled over moaning in agony.....turns out that he had been driving long days and just munching on MREs all day long....and after 4 days, he didn't understand why he hurt so bad. Duh...He was holding 16+ MREs. Idiot.
on Dec 05, 2007
He was holding 16+ MREs. Idiot.


In the C-ration days, there was a code to regulate things. Some of the canned meats were guarnteed to move you quick ! On the other hand, the crackers and cheese would stop you up. So the young fellas who didn't want to make use of the woodsy facilities would eat a lot of one and none of the other. Bad results. I never found the MREs to provide the regulation Cs did.

Why is it that guys always have to brag about how big their stuff is?


If that is what you got out of it, you missed the point.
on Dec 05, 2007
You made a slightly shitty day (hahahahahah!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!) much, much better.


Glad to be of service. Thanks for stopping in.
on Dec 06, 2007
! I enjoyed reading this! And that's priceless advice too as you've come to learn!!
on Dec 06, 2007
oh, Dad - you made Joey cry!
on Dec 06, 2007
I think I'll get you all of the South Park Mr. Hankey episodes for Christmas...that way you'll have the necessary background material to at least minor in scatology in school.
on Dec 06, 2007
Curly: I have never watched South Park so I have to take your word for its educational value. Scatology I am surprised at the response this article has garnered. Poop sells ! Go figure.
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